Wrecked

Have you ever believed that you've received a word from God? That He has told you specifically what you are to do and even though it seems impossible you just know that it was from God and you cannot turn your back on it even though you may want to? That's how I feel about standing for the reconciliation of my marriage. I believed and still believe to the very depths of my soul that God had called me to pray for my husband and to stand for the reconciliation of my marriage. I also believed that He had shown me it would be in the fifth year that my husband would return. And this just happens to be the fifth year. Things were going along well and I had peace and faith that this would come to pass. Until right before Christmas when my world was turned upside down. 
 
Facebook can be a dangerous tool. It can cause your heart to go into a tailspin if you find out information that you weren't meant to know. This happened to me. I was snooping on someone's page and I saw a post that essentially said my husband now had a fiancé. This took my breath away. My immediate reaction was not very pleasant and I reacted regretfully in not a very Christ like manner. My world began to spin and I couldn't breathe. Could it be? She was engaged to my husband? (You have to stop here and realize that while we are EX spouses I do consider him and will continue to call him my husband due to the covenant we made when we were married.) My mind was turning and the anger began to boil within me. This was not according to my plan. You see not more than two months ago, my husband had told me he would not marry her and that she was not the one. He told me more things but let's just leave it at that. I believed him. But then I always believed him. Maybe that was my mistake all along.

As the anger boiled, I began to contact my children and my friends. Did you know about this? Can you believe this? What on earth is going on? I caused quite a commotion among my family and I wish that I could say I handled it in a better way than I did. But unfortunately I didn't handle this news well at all. I then realized, that my sister in law, whom I thought I was developing a new friendship with, had totally blocked me on Facebook. I was unprepared for all of this and needless to say fell into a very dark place. I decided that Facebook was not my friend and it wasn't the best place for me right now as I really wanted to bash them all in a status posting and thankfully I can say I did not do that. I deactivated my Facebook account for a time so that I could gather myself and figure out what I was going to do now.

So I began to question God. I began to grow angry with Him. Why would you lead me down this path to forsake me after all this time? Why would you give me this hope when you were just going to allow it to be pulled away from me like this? Why have you not done anything? You could have fixed this years ago and you haven't. Where are you God? Obviously you don't care about me or my life or you would have saved me this pain. I wish that I could say after a few days I stepped up and came to my senses. But it took a bit longer than that. I began to think how I could manipulate this situation for my benefit. So I called my husband. He confused me even more by saying that he just bought her a ring and it isn't like they are getting married any time soon. What? Seriously? Does he not understand what a woman thinks about an engagement ring? So our conversation went on and finally I began to sob and told him that I needed to get him out of my life. 
 
After weeks of feeling alone, rejected, forsaken, and very bitter, my heart has begun to gain some ground. I began to think about Moses and the journey to the Promised Land. Moses believed God with his whole heart and he set off on a journey that would end up taking many years and bringing much grief and pain. But in the end, God did fulfill His promise. I realize that Moses and his people had a lot to learn about God's provision and I believe that I do as well. I'm convinced that our journey is not so much about the final result as it is about the life that we lead in the process. I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that God has called me to this journey and I will not let Him down.  I do love my husband and want him to come home but not without putting God first in both of our lives.  I want God to receive the glory in this and I believe with my whole heart that the greatest glory will come from a reconciled marriage.  I trust Him for He has not forsaken me. 
 
I have been listening to a song these past few weeks that has fed my soul and lifted me up and made me to realize that no matter what may come I have peace because I know the God of yesterday, today and forever. And as this song says, far be it from me to not believe even when my eyes can't see and this mountain that's in front of me will be thrown into the midst of the sea. Grander earth has quaked before.

Know therefore that the LORD your God is God; he is the faithful God, keeping his covenant of love to a thousand generations of those who love him and keep his commands.  Deuteronomy 7:9